All Things Must Come To An End...

So much has happened and changed in my life in such a short period of time. I came home to Michigan thinking that it would be like any other time and that I would soon be ready to go back to Chicago. And to be honest, it started that way… but then I met Kyle. I went out with a group of friends and he was there… nothing has really been the same since.

For the past few weeks I’ve been battling what to do about my relationship fast. Kyle said that he would wait for me no matter what and for that I’m very grateful…but I’ve come to a different sort of conclusion to this story. Even though this whole thing started in January, I’ve really been doing it since the middle of November. I just wanted to make the date easier to remember and chose January 1st as that day. If we look at it from this perspective, I’ve been doing this for 8 months. And even though I’m nowhere near being perfect, I feel that I’ve come a long way. And since I won’t ever actually be perfect, I’ve decided that I’m okay with 8 months. I am done with my fast.

I don’t want you to think that I haven’t thought about this, because I most certainly have. It has been at the forefront of my mind for weeks. I also don’t want any of you to think that this means I’m giving up on any of the things I was doing during this fast, because I think those things are what I will constantly be figuring out for the rest of my life. I will still be working on my life and figuring out what a healthy relationship looks like, but I will be working on it with another person.

Kyle and I are officially in a relationship. Since I will be in Chicago for most of the next year, I feel that it will give us the space that we need to still figure things out for ourselves individually and give me that personal space to still really figure out what I want out of life… we will just be able to be there for each other while it’s all happening. So, it’s still a sort of unorthodox relationship where he is basically courting me while I’m in another state… I never do anything the easy way! haha

I was really trying to fight this from the start because I wanted to follow through on this fast, but then I realized that if the date was the only thing keeping me from doing anything, then there wasn’t really a point! I just kept focusing on January 1st, and I didn’t have any good reason other than that to walk away from Kyle. I’m ridiculously happy at this particular moment in my life and I don’t think that God would give me that just to dangle it in my face. I've really never been so certain about something in my life and it's very strange! If you know me, you know that making decisions aren't my forte. :o)

I really appreciate all of the support my friends have given me during this fast and I really hope that you all will continue to be there for me. Thank you all for being there. I love you guys.

Sincerely,
Kristin

Love is not a feeling...

I'm currently reading 4 books at the same time... what can I say? I have a lot of time on my hands.

In no particular order they are:
A Man Worth Waiting For: How to Avoid A Bozo by Jackie Kendall
Cupidity by Hayley and Michael DiMarco
Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.

Obviously, there is a theme here. My relationship fast is reaching its half-way mark (which is amazing) and I'm really trying to buckle down and figure things out. The cliffs notes version of my fast is this: I want to avoid romantic situations and encounters with men until January 1st, 2011 in order to: a) Get to know myself better (so I can figure out what I actually want from men); b) Get to know God better and His place in my life; AND c) Figure out what went wrong in my past so I can make sure I don't keep making the same mistakes in the future. It seems simple enough, right? WRONG. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Luckily, these books are helping me figure things out one day at a time.

I'm simultaneously trying to figure out my struggles and realize that with God I can conquer them. I'm also figuring out my own self-worth as a woman and realizing that I am not defined by how many men hit on me or like me. And then, on top of everything else, I'm trying to figure out what kind of man is actually worth my time and what I need to do in order to NOT make the same mistakes as before. Like I said, THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.

My newest bit of information is something I'll share with everyone, just to give you an idea of what's going on. The first chapter of Cupidity talks about love and how it's commonly mistaken as a feeling. Yes, of course we have feelings for a reason and we shouldn't completely dismiss them, but if I were to base love on the feelings that I've had for men... I've probably "loved" like 150 of them. Instead it talks about seeing love as action. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is famous for love... but it doesn't talk about feelings. We aren't going to be judged based on the love we feel, but the love we give.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Since no one can command us to feel anything, it doesn't make sense that God would command us to feel anything either. God commands us into action... and that action in this instance is love. We obviously need chemistry with someone in order to go any further, but the love is a constant action. We must choose to love.

I've been living based on the feeling of love. And sometimes it has made me jump into things WAY too soon or made me think that what I thought was love had died. I've been looking in all the wrong places. I know that I will never be perfect and I'm sure that I will let my future husband down numerous times, but I do know that I can be better equipped for a healthy relationship in my future... and that's what I plan on doing.

During this fast I am constantly struggling everyday. My heart wants so deeply to attach to someone and it's ridiculously difficult to stop it. But I know that I can only benefit from this fast and if I find a 'man worth waiting for', then he will think that I am a 'woman worth waiting for' also. He will not only be willing to wait for me to finish my fast, but he will respect me enough to wait for a lot of other things too. That in itself is difficult enough to think about in the world we live in now, right?

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting...

Have you ever asked God to examine your mind and help bring forth all of the un-truths you're believing in your life? If you have, you know how ridiculously rough it is. It's something I'm going through right now:

I struggle with proclaiming my love for Jesus outwardly, so God sends me to a conference to become a leader with my chapter of Campus Crusades and has me sharing my faith in my speech class and elsewhere on campus.

I struggle with feeling insecure and jealous of things I have no control over and often want to manipulate situations to a favorable outcome for me, so God sends people in my life to give me the opportunity to realize that trusting in Him and His plan is the far better option. How could any plan that I would manipulate even compare to what God can do in my life if I just stay patient and say, "That's not what matters, Kristin. God has a plan and it's not time yet."

Of course I am in a constant battle with these and many other things ALL the time, but I'm finally starting to realize that as soon as the worry sets in and I start to panic, all I need is to talk to God and ask for peace in my heart and mind. The anxiety, heartache, depression, etc. will subside eventually. Yes, sometimes I need to cry and get frustrated and scream... and sometimes I take a really long time to truly believe the words when I give myself 'pep talks'... and sometimes my heart hurts regardless of knowing that I can't change the outcome of a situation or manipulate it to make it what I want... but that's the beauty of life.

It's a learning process all the time. God uses everything in our lives to make us who we are. I could say that I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and maybe in some ways I have... but in God's eyes they were opportunities to make me a better person with a deeper love for Him. Had I never experienced those 'mistakes' I wouldn't be who I am today surrounded by some of the greatest people I've ever met. Thank you, God for all of the 'mistakes' that led me here to You.

Don't worry, I'll take it from here...

This past week was my spring break. I wanted to join my Cru friends in Florida, but I made a prior commitment to go down to Texas with one of my roommates. I really think it was best (for a few reasons that won't be mentioned) that I went to Texas instead. I really got to relax and just enjoy myself... and I also learned a lot about myself and my boundaries and what I still need to fix in myself.

I started the journey slightly discouraged and yearning for comfort. I had all but convinced myself that "the boy" was never going to have any feelings towards me and would certainly never wait for my fast to be done, so I might as well move on. So, I went down to the land of southern hospitality... needless to say, the boys in Texas are very sweet and full of manners and made me feel wanted, so I soaked it up--trying to forget about "the boy" and a set of unrealistic standards that I won't match up to (NOTE: I don't actually know what his standards are, but have simply assumed that I will not fit the criteria). By the end of the week, however, I was a complete mess inside and I was trying to figure out WHAT I was doing! It's like I had decided to let God run my life until a certain point, but then I tried to take over and everything came crashing down! I came back home and to reality... and the reality that I still like "the boy" (and had never actually stopped), even though I haven't seen him and probably won't for a while longer because of the Easter weekend. Again, it's probably for the best... my emotions are ridiculous and I'd probably just act like a ridiculous girl (like now... lol).

This fast is incredibly difficult for me. That's how I know it will do wonderful things in my life when I finally finish it. It is helping me figure out who I am and what my boundaries are. Hopefully, it will also bring me clarity and understanding in what God wants for my life. One of my best friends wrote me something that I want to share. I wrote it out and taped it to my wall to see every day--it's absolutely what I needed to hear...

"He'll give you direction. Just live and don't worry. God does not give us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. He's not the author of confusion and He says not to worry about tomorrow. If you're confused, lay a fleece on it and if you're wary because you think you're brain is on overload just say, 'I can't do it, Lord. I'm gonna do things to the best of my ability and I'm asking for You to open and close the doors because I'm stressed out trying to figure out everything when You're bigger than me and already have it planned out. So, lead me and help me desire the things You want for me and not what I want for myself.' He'll do it, but don't sit and worry if you're in a place where you don't think you should be. He's sovereign and planned everything for you already. Just rest and trust in Him."

She also gave me two Bible verses:

Isaiah 26:3

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."

2 Timothy 1:7

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

If you're reading this, pray that I will have the strength to finish this fast and learn all that I can about God and myself. I want to pursue God with all my heart and I feel like this is the only way to actually do it.

How He Loves Us

It really amazes me what God can do in your life if you just let Him. I've spent so much time running and trying to do things myself because I'm stubborn that I've never really had the chance to enjoy the life God can provide for me. I've spent too much time worrying and freaking out when I could have just let it all go and TRUST that God has it under control. I've been doing a lot of praying recently about life in general and it's just so amazing what He has done.

All of a sudden, my knee/ankle problem has me dropping my dance classes... I'm in the middle of possibly switching my major around a little... I want to stay part time for a time while I possibly go to massage therapy school and get a part-time job... I won't be living in on-campus housing in Chicago for the first time next fall... maybe even this summer... EVERYTHING is changing in my life. And the strange part is that I'm not anxious about it at all. I'm really trusting that God knows what's best for me better than I do. I've also been praying for God to open the doors that need to be opened in my life and close the ones that need to be closed. It's as simple as that. I don't need to worry about a thing. It's sort of ridiculous how easy it is when you finally get it. HAHA.

In regards to my relationship fast, it's a little harder, but I'm still praying all the time that He knows what he's doing. I'm constantly praying for clarity and understanding in my life because so many things are so confusing right now. I'm trying to just be friends with guys and it's working pretty well so far, but I can't help who I'm attracted to and God knows that. What I can help is what I do about it. Luckily, I've been journaling and taking walks with God a lot lately to clear my head about this entire thing and He hears me. My heart and my body really want things to be different than they are right now (referring to the unnamed 'person' I mentioned in my last post), but God has other plans and that's OK. I like that God's timing isn't necessarily what I want, but it's what I need. It's taken me 24 years to FINALLY understand that!

Every Woman's Battle

Well, it's March. On one hand, I'm relieved because I've successfully made it through my first two months without a lot of trouble. On the other hand, I keep thinking that I still have over 9 more months to go! Hopefully, once I get past the half-way mark, it will go faster. Honestly, I've had so many thoughts about what would happen if I stopped this fast or if I ended earlier. It's so easy to think, "Everything's fine now! I don't need to keep doing that!" Of course, that's not true. I know that I'm not strong enough to do things on my own. I just have to stay as strong as I can and not give in to the temptation to quit.

I'm trying to keep myself busy with a few different things. I'm reading four or five books at the same time, not to mention all of the homework I have. Almost all of my social activities are church related (so I can TRY to stay out of trouble) and I've also started a 'prayer journal'. I'm sort of using the journal as a multi-purpose writing tool. I write my thoughts about church services, Campus Crusades services, Bible study talks, prayers that I have for myself and others, and I also use it as a venting tool with a direct line to Jesus. HAHA I've found that it helps me to get all of my frustrations out of my mind and onto paper so I can try to focus less on what's eating away at me.

One of the many books I'm reading is called 'Every Woman's Battle'. It's exactly what I need to be reading right now and how I know that I'm not strong enough on my own. I'm learning how to approach relationships in a way that I never have before (which is a big reason why I started this fast to begin with). I'm tired of diving into things without really knowing or seeing what I'm doing! This book is really helping me re-wire my brain when it comes to men and relationships. I've also been seeing a therapist since November and she has SERIOUSLY helped me in this re-wiring process as well. We're working on figuring out what I do and don't like... eventually figuring out what I do and don't want. Being able to decipher the difference and make better choices in relationships is my ultimate goal with ALL of this!

In my emotional struggle with this 'project', I have (of course) become interested in someone. We don't see each other often, so that helps sometimes... but it's getting harder. We have things in common and he's fun to be around. We don't know each other well at all, so hopefully things will continue to go slow as the time passes. Right now, my main worry is that he won't stick around to wait while I'm going through this fast... which, I guess, would simply weed out the faint of heart and help me to move on to greater things. I've had many conversations with God about this, and I know that He will be with me through everything no matter what any man decides to do in my life... I just have to keep telling myself that!

That Splinter in My Eye is Starting to Hurt...

Right now, I'm going through the struggle of knowing what faith is. I read and hear that Jesus loves me and wants a deep relationship with me and it's such a beautiful thing to consider, but just because 'the Bible tells me so', doesn't mean that I automatically believe it. It is so hard to believe that God loves me unconditionally. Why would someone like Him fall in love with someone like me? My past makes me feel dirty everyday and it's so hard to let go of every horrible thing I've done. How can I expect to find love with God if I can't find it with myself... and how can I find love with another person if I can't find it with myself? Why is it so hard to trust? WHY DO I JUDGE MYSELF?

As I go further and further into this fast, I'm finding it harder to do. I'm waiting for the day that it gets easier, but maybe that won't happen. I'm constantly telling myself that I'm doing it for a good reason and I can only benefit from it. However, that doesn't stop my instinctive hormones from trying to do the exact opposite of what I want them to do. Even now, they've zeroed in on a person and I have to keep reigning them in EVERY SINGLE SECOND so I don't drag that person into a whirlwind of ridiculousness. Thankfully, I caught it right at the beginning and have tried to keep a steady distance--so much so, that if he read this right now, he would have no idea it was him. (Note: Thank you, God, for the radar you've recently given me to help in discerning all of this... I would be in a lot of trouble if you hadn't.)

Let me tell you, I have a very manipulative mind and I could make things happen if I really wanted them to. It's so easy to give myself what I think I want. It never ends up the way I expect it to though and I am constantly unhappy. Just like when Eve ate that apple and offered some to Adam with the bat of her eyelashes... it seemed like the right choice... I mean it was a good apple, right? In the end, however, I bet she put her head in her hands and scolded herself for being so stupid. I'm tired of doing that to myself. I do not have to live my life like that's the only choice I have... to manipulate men into getting what I want. Just because Eve saw fit to set that as the standard for my sex, it doesn't mean I can't raise the bar higher for myself and exceed the expectations of society that give me daily advice on "25 Ways to Lure Him Into Your Bed" or "How to Make Him Love You" (see your local magazine rack for a plethora of continuous options).

I will say that I don't believe ALL ways of manipulation are 'bad' or are meant to hurt people. Sometimes, it can be funny if you mean it as a joke... and to be honest, it's part of the human condition... or at least a woman's condition (I can't speak for men, obviously). We're always trying to find ways to keep others interested in us and I think that's acceptable, but there is a fine line between what is acceptable and what is devious. That line is the one I will be trying to define for myself as the months (years?) go by.