Don't worry, I'll take it from here...

This past week was my spring break. I wanted to join my Cru friends in Florida, but I made a prior commitment to go down to Texas with one of my roommates. I really think it was best (for a few reasons that won't be mentioned) that I went to Texas instead. I really got to relax and just enjoy myself... and I also learned a lot about myself and my boundaries and what I still need to fix in myself.

I started the journey slightly discouraged and yearning for comfort. I had all but convinced myself that "the boy" was never going to have any feelings towards me and would certainly never wait for my fast to be done, so I might as well move on. So, I went down to the land of southern hospitality... needless to say, the boys in Texas are very sweet and full of manners and made me feel wanted, so I soaked it up--trying to forget about "the boy" and a set of unrealistic standards that I won't match up to (NOTE: I don't actually know what his standards are, but have simply assumed that I will not fit the criteria). By the end of the week, however, I was a complete mess inside and I was trying to figure out WHAT I was doing! It's like I had decided to let God run my life until a certain point, but then I tried to take over and everything came crashing down! I came back home and to reality... and the reality that I still like "the boy" (and had never actually stopped), even though I haven't seen him and probably won't for a while longer because of the Easter weekend. Again, it's probably for the best... my emotions are ridiculous and I'd probably just act like a ridiculous girl (like now... lol).

This fast is incredibly difficult for me. That's how I know it will do wonderful things in my life when I finally finish it. It is helping me figure out who I am and what my boundaries are. Hopefully, it will also bring me clarity and understanding in what God wants for my life. One of my best friends wrote me something that I want to share. I wrote it out and taped it to my wall to see every day--it's absolutely what I needed to hear...

"He'll give you direction. Just live and don't worry. God does not give us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. He's not the author of confusion and He says not to worry about tomorrow. If you're confused, lay a fleece on it and if you're wary because you think you're brain is on overload just say, 'I can't do it, Lord. I'm gonna do things to the best of my ability and I'm asking for You to open and close the doors because I'm stressed out trying to figure out everything when You're bigger than me and already have it planned out. So, lead me and help me desire the things You want for me and not what I want for myself.' He'll do it, but don't sit and worry if you're in a place where you don't think you should be. He's sovereign and planned everything for you already. Just rest and trust in Him."

She also gave me two Bible verses:

Isaiah 26:3

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."

2 Timothy 1:7

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

If you're reading this, pray that I will have the strength to finish this fast and learn all that I can about God and myself. I want to pursue God with all my heart and I feel like this is the only way to actually do it.

How He Loves Us

It really amazes me what God can do in your life if you just let Him. I've spent so much time running and trying to do things myself because I'm stubborn that I've never really had the chance to enjoy the life God can provide for me. I've spent too much time worrying and freaking out when I could have just let it all go and TRUST that God has it under control. I've been doing a lot of praying recently about life in general and it's just so amazing what He has done.

All of a sudden, my knee/ankle problem has me dropping my dance classes... I'm in the middle of possibly switching my major around a little... I want to stay part time for a time while I possibly go to massage therapy school and get a part-time job... I won't be living in on-campus housing in Chicago for the first time next fall... maybe even this summer... EVERYTHING is changing in my life. And the strange part is that I'm not anxious about it at all. I'm really trusting that God knows what's best for me better than I do. I've also been praying for God to open the doors that need to be opened in my life and close the ones that need to be closed. It's as simple as that. I don't need to worry about a thing. It's sort of ridiculous how easy it is when you finally get it. HAHA.

In regards to my relationship fast, it's a little harder, but I'm still praying all the time that He knows what he's doing. I'm constantly praying for clarity and understanding in my life because so many things are so confusing right now. I'm trying to just be friends with guys and it's working pretty well so far, but I can't help who I'm attracted to and God knows that. What I can help is what I do about it. Luckily, I've been journaling and taking walks with God a lot lately to clear my head about this entire thing and He hears me. My heart and my body really want things to be different than they are right now (referring to the unnamed 'person' I mentioned in my last post), but God has other plans and that's OK. I like that God's timing isn't necessarily what I want, but it's what I need. It's taken me 24 years to FINALLY understand that!

Every Woman's Battle

Well, it's March. On one hand, I'm relieved because I've successfully made it through my first two months without a lot of trouble. On the other hand, I keep thinking that I still have over 9 more months to go! Hopefully, once I get past the half-way mark, it will go faster. Honestly, I've had so many thoughts about what would happen if I stopped this fast or if I ended earlier. It's so easy to think, "Everything's fine now! I don't need to keep doing that!" Of course, that's not true. I know that I'm not strong enough to do things on my own. I just have to stay as strong as I can and not give in to the temptation to quit.

I'm trying to keep myself busy with a few different things. I'm reading four or five books at the same time, not to mention all of the homework I have. Almost all of my social activities are church related (so I can TRY to stay out of trouble) and I've also started a 'prayer journal'. I'm sort of using the journal as a multi-purpose writing tool. I write my thoughts about church services, Campus Crusades services, Bible study talks, prayers that I have for myself and others, and I also use it as a venting tool with a direct line to Jesus. HAHA I've found that it helps me to get all of my frustrations out of my mind and onto paper so I can try to focus less on what's eating away at me.

One of the many books I'm reading is called 'Every Woman's Battle'. It's exactly what I need to be reading right now and how I know that I'm not strong enough on my own. I'm learning how to approach relationships in a way that I never have before (which is a big reason why I started this fast to begin with). I'm tired of diving into things without really knowing or seeing what I'm doing! This book is really helping me re-wire my brain when it comes to men and relationships. I've also been seeing a therapist since November and she has SERIOUSLY helped me in this re-wiring process as well. We're working on figuring out what I do and don't like... eventually figuring out what I do and don't want. Being able to decipher the difference and make better choices in relationships is my ultimate goal with ALL of this!

In my emotional struggle with this 'project', I have (of course) become interested in someone. We don't see each other often, so that helps sometimes... but it's getting harder. We have things in common and he's fun to be around. We don't know each other well at all, so hopefully things will continue to go slow as the time passes. Right now, my main worry is that he won't stick around to wait while I'm going through this fast... which, I guess, would simply weed out the faint of heart and help me to move on to greater things. I've had many conversations with God about this, and I know that He will be with me through everything no matter what any man decides to do in my life... I just have to keep telling myself that!