Love is not a feeling...

I'm currently reading 4 books at the same time... what can I say? I have a lot of time on my hands.

In no particular order they are:
A Man Worth Waiting For: How to Avoid A Bozo by Jackie Kendall
Cupidity by Hayley and Michael DiMarco
Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.

Obviously, there is a theme here. My relationship fast is reaching its half-way mark (which is amazing) and I'm really trying to buckle down and figure things out. The cliffs notes version of my fast is this: I want to avoid romantic situations and encounters with men until January 1st, 2011 in order to: a) Get to know myself better (so I can figure out what I actually want from men); b) Get to know God better and His place in my life; AND c) Figure out what went wrong in my past so I can make sure I don't keep making the same mistakes in the future. It seems simple enough, right? WRONG. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Luckily, these books are helping me figure things out one day at a time.

I'm simultaneously trying to figure out my struggles and realize that with God I can conquer them. I'm also figuring out my own self-worth as a woman and realizing that I am not defined by how many men hit on me or like me. And then, on top of everything else, I'm trying to figure out what kind of man is actually worth my time and what I need to do in order to NOT make the same mistakes as before. Like I said, THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.

My newest bit of information is something I'll share with everyone, just to give you an idea of what's going on. The first chapter of Cupidity talks about love and how it's commonly mistaken as a feeling. Yes, of course we have feelings for a reason and we shouldn't completely dismiss them, but if I were to base love on the feelings that I've had for men... I've probably "loved" like 150 of them. Instead it talks about seeing love as action. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is famous for love... but it doesn't talk about feelings. We aren't going to be judged based on the love we feel, but the love we give.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Since no one can command us to feel anything, it doesn't make sense that God would command us to feel anything either. God commands us into action... and that action in this instance is love. We obviously need chemistry with someone in order to go any further, but the love is a constant action. We must choose to love.

I've been living based on the feeling of love. And sometimes it has made me jump into things WAY too soon or made me think that what I thought was love had died. I've been looking in all the wrong places. I know that I will never be perfect and I'm sure that I will let my future husband down numerous times, but I do know that I can be better equipped for a healthy relationship in my future... and that's what I plan on doing.

During this fast I am constantly struggling everyday. My heart wants so deeply to attach to someone and it's ridiculously difficult to stop it. But I know that I can only benefit from this fast and if I find a 'man worth waiting for', then he will think that I am a 'woman worth waiting for' also. He will not only be willing to wait for me to finish my fast, but he will respect me enough to wait for a lot of other things too. That in itself is difficult enough to think about in the world we live in now, right?