I'm getting in my way

I am my own worst enemy. I assume this is true for all of us... or at least MOST of us. I've only been on this journey (No Men in 2010) for one month and it has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I never realized how much trouble I've been putting myself in through the course of my life.

I love to talk about falling in love and what that 'should' be like, but I never let things happen the way I want them to. I get in my own way. Instead of letting love happen to me, which I want more than I can express, I keep searching for it. Even now during this fasting. I'm afraid that if I wait around for some guy to 'pick me', I'll be waiting forever. Unfortunately, I haven't chosen the 'right one' yet, so it seems that my impatience only gets me into trouble. And for someone who absolutely wants to be pursued by a man, this whole thing just doesn't make sense.

I keep trying to tell myself that this fast is about my relationship with God. Which it very much is. He has started to show me so many things throughout this first month. For instance, I know that I am loved no matter who chooses me. God has chosen me from the beginning. And it doesn't matter whether some guy picks me or not.

However, I have also realized some traits within myself that I've practiced for YEARS that could use some maintenance. A huge problem lies with my imagination. Not only do I keep searching for love and relationships, but I am always thinking about the probability of a relationship with whoever I'm around. In the back of my mind, I am wondering a million things about the men I know. How ridiculous is that? It doesn't matter if they have girlfriends either, which I feel terrible about. Of course I won't act on any of those thoughts, but the fact that they're there is unnerving.

In noticing these men I also notice everything about them through friendly conversation, mutual friends or things like facebook. I find out what they do, the music they listen to, the things they're interested in... and then I morph into a person who is not entirely myself just to seem more appealing to them. Like a chameleon. Not only am I lying to myself and the other person, but I'm manipulating them and the situation. I'm an opportunist of sorts... but instead of letting God give me opportunities I'm making my own.

It is THE hardest thing for me to clear my mind of any romantic thoughts about men. I don't even have to be in a room with them. This past week I've been stopping myself over and over again. Instead of thinking 'romance' I'm trying to think 'friend'. I can always use more friends and I don't want to compromise myself or any of my male friends. Instead of thinking, "What if...?" I want to think, "Well, that was nice. I had a nice time." No more wondering about the 'what if' statements and no more compromising questions. Only facts.