I'm getting in my way

I am my own worst enemy. I assume this is true for all of us... or at least MOST of us. I've only been on this journey (No Men in 2010) for one month and it has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I never realized how much trouble I've been putting myself in through the course of my life.

I love to talk about falling in love and what that 'should' be like, but I never let things happen the way I want them to. I get in my own way. Instead of letting love happen to me, which I want more than I can express, I keep searching for it. Even now during this fasting. I'm afraid that if I wait around for some guy to 'pick me', I'll be waiting forever. Unfortunately, I haven't chosen the 'right one' yet, so it seems that my impatience only gets me into trouble. And for someone who absolutely wants to be pursued by a man, this whole thing just doesn't make sense.

I keep trying to tell myself that this fast is about my relationship with God. Which it very much is. He has started to show me so many things throughout this first month. For instance, I know that I am loved no matter who chooses me. God has chosen me from the beginning. And it doesn't matter whether some guy picks me or not.

However, I have also realized some traits within myself that I've practiced for YEARS that could use some maintenance. A huge problem lies with my imagination. Not only do I keep searching for love and relationships, but I am always thinking about the probability of a relationship with whoever I'm around. In the back of my mind, I am wondering a million things about the men I know. How ridiculous is that? It doesn't matter if they have girlfriends either, which I feel terrible about. Of course I won't act on any of those thoughts, but the fact that they're there is unnerving.

In noticing these men I also notice everything about them through friendly conversation, mutual friends or things like facebook. I find out what they do, the music they listen to, the things they're interested in... and then I morph into a person who is not entirely myself just to seem more appealing to them. Like a chameleon. Not only am I lying to myself and the other person, but I'm manipulating them and the situation. I'm an opportunist of sorts... but instead of letting God give me opportunities I'm making my own.

It is THE hardest thing for me to clear my mind of any romantic thoughts about men. I don't even have to be in a room with them. This past week I've been stopping myself over and over again. Instead of thinking 'romance' I'm trying to think 'friend'. I can always use more friends and I don't want to compromise myself or any of my male friends. Instead of thinking, "What if...?" I want to think, "Well, that was nice. I had a nice time." No more wondering about the 'what if' statements and no more compromising questions. Only facts.

"No Men in 2010"

I rarely make New Years resolutions anymore because I always choose some ridiculous thing like giving up chocolate or coffee... and we all know that just won't happen. :) However, about a week ago I was thinking about my life thus far and what I seriously wanted to try and change about it in the year(s) to come. Something that would be life changing and drastic, but with a purpose and an eventual outcome of enlightenment.

I began thinking about the positives that have come into my life this year:

*Moving forward in school.
*Meeting so many new people and creating the web of relationships I have with them.
*A rekindling of an old flame with God that I thought had burnt out, but realized had never left.
ETC...

And I thought about the negatives also:

*Injuries.
*Failed relationships or friendships (including those that were a confusing mixture of the two)
*Outrageous choices on my part to be someone I'm not just to appease other people and try to feel better about myself and the downward spiral my life was headed in.
ETC...

In combination of these two things, I've decided to enforce what some may call an intricate New Years resolution in my life. I'm calling it "fasting", but I understand that some people don't know that term in the way I'm using it and it can make some uncomfortable, so if it's easier for you to think "resolution" be my guest.

"No Men in 2010" is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. For ONE YEAR I won't be dating or doing anything else that is considered romantic with anyone. It took me a while to come to terms with this, but as fasting usually goes it wasn't my decision. I just know it's the right thing to do...

"Usually a surefire sign of that 'little voice' being God is this: If what you are hearing is a good thing and you don't want to do it, chances are that you aren't the source. I'm usually the source of indulgent, ego stroking ideas that end up being curses... not the difficult, sacrificial ones that end up being blessings."- Matt MacDonald (The Classic Crime)

I've made many mistakes in my life. So many that I don't care to count because I doubt I can count that high. I'd get lost somewhere in the middle and have to start counting all over again. But who wants to do that? I don't want to hold on to all of my mistakes. I want to get rid of them and feel the forgiveness for them that I have already been given. So, I'm fasting men. Relationships have always been my downfall. They take precedence over everything else in my life and I tend to end up being miserable rather than happy. And I tend to get involved in them when I don't really even know the person, and part way through I realize that I don't like this person, rather I liked the person I wanted them to be.

In hopes of knowing myself better and figuring out my relationship with God, I'm fasting so I can limit my future mistakes in the relationship department and have a clearer vision of what it means to be in a relationship with someone. Along with this large part of 2010, I will be practicing MODERATION in my life. This can mean whatever you want it to mean, I guess, but my main focus is to moderate my use of things that I abused previously. I'm being vague b/c I don't really know all that it entails at this point, but I feel certain that I will know when these moments arise.

Before I go, **A DISCLAIMER**...

I won't be changing "who I am". Some people like to see the word 'God' and think that it means I've become a completely different person that they can no longer talk to or be around as themselves. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. I am still Kristin. I just won't be participating in the same activities I once did, which doesn't mean I won't be around while you do them. Be who you are and let me be who I am. None of the fundamental things about my person has changed. My personality is the same. So, please don't treat me like I'm a stranger.

Love,
Kristin :)