Right now, I'm going through the struggle of knowing what faith is. I read and hear that Jesus loves me and wants a deep relationship with me and it's such a beautiful thing to consider, but just because 'the Bible tells me so', doesn't mean that I automatically believe it. It is so hard to believe that God loves me unconditionally. Why would someone like Him fall in love with someone like me? My past makes me feel dirty everyday and it's so hard to let go of every horrible thing I've done. How can I expect to find love with God if I can't find it with myself... and how can I find love with another person if I can't find it with myself? Why is it so hard to trust? WHY DO I JUDGE MYSELF?
As I go further and further into this fast, I'm finding it harder to do. I'm waiting for the day that it gets easier, but maybe that won't happen. I'm constantly telling myself that I'm doing it for a good reason and I can only benefit from it. However, that doesn't stop my instinctive hormones from trying to do the exact opposite of what I want them to do. Even now, they've zeroed in on a person and I have to keep reigning them in EVERY SINGLE SECOND so I don't drag that person into a whirlwind of ridiculousness. Thankfully, I caught it right at the beginning and have tried to keep a steady distance--so much so, that if he read this right now, he would have no idea it was him. (Note: Thank you, God, for the radar you've recently given me to help in discerning all of this... I would be in a lot of trouble if you hadn't.)
Let me tell you, I have a very manipulative mind and I could make things happen if I really wanted them to. It's so easy to give myself what I think I want. It never ends up the way I expect it to though and I am constantly unhappy. Just like when Eve ate that apple and offered some to Adam with the bat of her eyelashes... it seemed like the right choice... I mean it was a good apple, right? In the end, however, I bet she put her head in her hands and scolded herself for being so stupid. I'm tired of doing that to myself. I do not have to live my life like that's the only choice I have... to manipulate men into getting what I want. Just because Eve saw fit to set that as the standard for my sex, it doesn't mean I can't raise the bar higher for myself and exceed the expectations of society that give me daily advice on "25 Ways to Lure Him Into Your Bed" or "How to Make Him Love You" (see your local magazine rack for a plethora of continuous options).
I will say that I don't believe ALL ways of manipulation are 'bad' or are meant to hurt people. Sometimes, it can be funny if you mean it as a joke... and to be honest, it's part of the human condition... or at least a woman's condition (I can't speak for men, obviously). We're always trying to find ways to keep others interested in us and I think that's acceptable, but there is a fine line between what is acceptable and what is devious. That line is the one I will be trying to define for myself as the months (years?) go by.
